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December 2, 2009

Tiger Woods’ Black Friday

Bob Terrell

Tiger Woods’ strange accident has caused a great deal of speculation about “what really happened.” My new role as one of the “world’s most highly respected dream interpreters” has given me special insight into the situation that occurred early Friday morning.

In my special dream, Tiger Woods’ doctor called and asked me to rush to visit Tiger as soon as possible. Tiger was sending his jet to the Williamsburg-Whitley County Airport to fly me to Florida to counsel with him about the serious problems that had occurred.

His doctor met my flight and drove me to Tiger’s mansion where I noticed the fire plug he allegedly drove over still had water shooting up in the air. One of his little girls greeted us wearing a Phil Mickelson T-shirt and Jack Nicklaus golf hat.

I was taken into the large bedroom where he was resting and he immediately said, “Thanks so much for coming Bob. This has been the worst week of my life. I have been told you have had some horrible experiences and been in many messes yourself and you may be of help to me as I try to get through this period.”

I quietly told Tiger, “I will do my best. Tell me specifically the bad events that happened this week.”

Tiger continued, “First, I received a call informing me that I was beaten out by Rush Limbaugh in the competition to appear on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ This was ridiculous for them to pick him ahead of me.”

I consoled Tiger, saying, “Tiger, you are still very young and have many more years ahead to be on that show. Remember Tiger, Tom Delay didn’t get on ‘Dancing with the Stars’ until this past year after he had been indicted and forced out of congress. He is much older than you... What else happened, Tiger?” 

He said, “That blasted Oprah Winfrey is still making more money each year than I am. Where is the value system in this nation? She doesn’t have to sweat and work hard. She works in an air conditioned studio and the big bucks just roll in to her in big money bags. It just isn’t fair.”

I said, “But Tiger, look on the bright side, you are making a fortune and you are the most popular golfer in the world.”

 With a sad look on his face he said, “But not with my own daughter. This week I came home and my little girl told me Phil Mickelson was her favorite golfer and she has been wearing one of his T-shirts everyday.”

Again, I consoled him and said, “She is just a little girl and all kids go through these kinds of times. Don’t let this get to you. I am sure she loves you very much.”

I said, “Tiger, you should be so happy about so many other good things that you have experienced.”

With a surly expression Tiger told me, “Bob, but how would you feel if you were me and President Obama and Michelle didn’t even invite you to the biggest White House party of the year? After that snub I was rejected again Thursday when Sarah Palin told me she would not pick me as her VP running mate in 2012. She is picking an evangelical conservative golfer from the South, John Daly. If she had selected me and we had won, by the year 2014 I would have been president after Palin would have resigned to ‘do more important things than being president.’ I could have served out the remaining two years of her term, been elected on my own two terms, and spent ten years as president. I would get out of office just in time to go on the Senior Golf Circuit.”

  As an outstanding dreamer I have a unique capability in getting to the heart of complex issues.

I said, “Tiger, you have given me some very superficial issues that I consider no more than contrived excuses. You are covering up the real reason for your embarrassment and humiliation. Tell me, what is your big problem?”

 Tears welled up in his eyes and his body began to shake as he cried and he said, “Ok, Bob, I’ll  tell you the real thing that hurt me so much. I wanted more than even winning a Masters Tournament to get to Wal-Mart early for Black Friday. I didn’t wake up as early as I wanted and I was rushing to get there. My wife was shouting at me, ‘Hurry, Tiger, hurry. You are going to be late. Get on the road you little punk!’ After I got in the car and started, I realized I didn’t have my billfold and I tried to make a sharp turn back to the house and hit the fire plug. My wife was so upset she came out of the house with a golf club and I locked the car doors so she could not get in to beat me. And then I blacked out.”

 Tears began flowing down my cheeks. I could feel his pain. Now I could understand the hurt he had suffered so deeply. Let’s all back away and treat Tiger with the love and respect he deserves. After all, “How would you feel if you had missed Black Friday?

Bob Terrell Sr.,

Corbin

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